Spam Found Poem

I combined the subject lines of spam mail to make this poem. Fuck you spam, i turned your shitness into magnificent art.

Now it's easy as pie to become a s'e_xual giant!
Yes, your willy can really grow beyond it's current size!
Your new mega size will make her scream with excitement!
Make your friends envy your new huge size!
Hot nights are guaranteed for well hung dudes!
Rock hard boner is not an unachievable dream!
Suck it and see...

Revenge is sweet. My favorite part is the "suck it and see". I think that'll be my new motto from now. Oh yeah, I haven't updated the blog in a while. Sooo, I'm back I guess?

Easter is So Gibson... Sugartits!

If you think there's anything hotter than animals dressed up as other animals, then you're a quief! Happy Birthday Jesus!

CORRECTION: I was just informed that Easter is actually a celebration of Jesus' death and consequent resurrection. I would just like to extend my condolences to JC's family and friends. Excuse my ignorance, I was confused by the whole egg thing and the rabbits.

Rape! Lies! Free Online!

stream/download RASHOMON by Akira Kurosawa in its entirety here:
http://www.archive.org/details/Rashomon

I was stomping around town yesterday, trying to find a pair of new jeans. My other pairs, no matter how much I pay for them, always rip at the crotch after about six months of wear. I don't know whether it's an issue of denim quality as much as it's the fact that I do dumb shit for attention. These acts of stupidity usually involve giggling and getting one of my legs caught on a fence or a sharp object. It's like a disorder but you know what, it gets a laugh, so it's worth it in the end. Honestly though, I only do it because the media tells me to do it like that.

Case in point- that time I got surprisingly drunk in a cinema during a bad horror film, and then proceeded to try and slide down the escalator railing afterwards. The railing was made out of glass... and glass is, like, weirdly sharp and not sturdy. I ripped my jeans from under my ass all the way down the side of my leg. Even my boxer-briefs were shredded! Everyone laughed with me and I was content. I had to go home to change and get more beer. I told my parents I slipped. I lied.

So please don't tell me that violent movies have no negative effect on impressionable young males.

But I'm not that impressionable. I'm savvy enough. I'm a critical thinker. I know that in real life you can't have loud sex with a prostitute in a stolen car, and then run her over and kill her so you can get your money back after you're done...without a condom! It's only safe to do that in videogames because pixels can't get AIDS. And I get that. I respect that.

Anyways, I found a nice new pair of jeans and they're skinny but not too skinny. This weekend, I'm planning to watch Rashomon in my new skinny jeans!

Here's what Wikipdeia says about it: "This 1950s movie, directed by Akira Kurosawa, tells the story of a rape and murder through the widely differing accounts of four witnesses, including the perpetrator and, through a medium, his victim. Each version contradicts the others which leaves the viewer unable to determine the truth of the events."

...just like that Hillary Duff movie where she's in the army...

Gingivitis Jam Session

ToothTunes by Hasbro

It might look like a regular toothbrush but it's actually the most amazing invention since puppies! This gift from Jesus sends music into your head through your freakin' teeth! Ahhhh! I want one so bad. I want the one that plays High School Musical songs...or Hillary Duff. Actually, I'd be happy with either but not Cheetah Girls. God, I'm so sick of Cheetah Girls.

In other news, there's still no cure for AIDS so that's pretty sucky...

Look at the pic below for an explanation of how to teleport music into your face.

TOOTHTUNES.com

R.I.P. Captain America

Captain America #25

Captain America was SHOT TO DEATH today by a sniper on his way to a courtroom! I'm not even shitting you. This great American hero, who killed the Hitler (I only realized that today when I saw this picture), was sniped down by a Muslim extremist...I think... I mean it didn't say that anywhere specifically but, like, who else would it have been? I'm sure it wasn't a Jew. Jews love Captain America because, like I said, he killed the Hitler.

To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a Black because...well, you know... (shout out to my Half Black best friend DR)

OMG. I just realized how offensive that was. I'm so sorry... I meant to say African American.

The last issue of Captain America is on newsstands now...we'll miss you Cap...

CNN LINK
Captain America Fansite Link

Virtua Hug: Vengance

No pictures, no videos, no pizzazz (sp?)... just a self-contained virtual hug to brighten your day. Here it goes...

:::hug:::-> u <-:::hug:::

Can you believe it? You can't feel it, but there it is, hugging u lol rofl ttyl

Whatever You're Into...This Is Better

X Ray Make Out Session by ???

Now this is taking it back to the basics. No race, no religion, no gender, no skin... just hot bone. It's about time. If I was a really edgy porn director ( I'm not...yet), I would try and make my name in the industry by steering clear of double penetration. Instead, I would make a full feature porno shot totally in x ray...in 3D! I would force the actors to swallow strange objects like small toys so a viewer could discern the pornographic thespians by the contents of their stomachs. Brilliant? Yeah, it kind of is.

Quick question- wanna see what an x ray blowjob looks like? If yes click on NSFW link below...
X RAY BLOWED

Not satisfied? Click Here for More!

Wii4Mii

Nintendo Wii by Nintendo Of Course

I was trying to hold off on writing about this amazing piece of unbridled happiness just because it's so obvious that I would like something like this. Well, you know what, fuck it. That's right, I just blew my PG13 rating out of the water by saying fuck it and it was soooooo worth it.

I love the Nintendo Wii more than my iPod and almost as much as my MacBook...almost. What tipped me over the edge?

One nugget of newsy goodness: GUITAR HERO is coming to the Wii!!!

If you don't know what Guitar Hero is, go fist yourself loser (Thanks HK). Whatever, I'm being too harsh. Watch this video below for an introduction to the amazing also known as Guitar Hero. Then go buy a Wii and rock out with your cock/wii out.



NEWS LINK

Stelarc is Sick and Old!

This Australian performance artist is sick, as in awesome and nasty combined in a futuristic supernova. His message is something about the body being OBSOLETE! Oh, us artists and our dumb messages. Here's a message: I think you're a crazy old man, Stelarc, and I like that about you. I hear that you refer to yourself as "the artist" when you give speeches. You're so lame, I love it!

Stelarc's work utilizes high technology and a dash of disgusting.

Here's a summary of his past performances: suspending his naked body by flesh hooks attached to floating rocks (hard to explain for an ex-ESL, look at pic below), allowing website visitors to control his movement by electronic muscle stimulators that connect his body to the internet, attaching a robotic third arm to himself which he could control by using electrodes implanted into his stomach (ewww, there's a video below- you're welcome), building an exoskeleton that you can freakin drive (above), growing an ear into his arm and implanting a microphone in it so website visitors could hear what his arm hears (!!?!?!)....among others.

creepy hot

so right.

I find that the kind of art that catches my attention is not very subtle at all, in fact it is very sensationalist and hyped up which is the opposite of subtle. So Stelarc is right up my alley. Click on the links below if you want more info on the old psycho. Oh yeah, this video will give you nightmares:



LINKS:

STELARC ON WIKIPEDIA
HIS OFFICIAL WEBSITE

With Friends Like These...

This song reminds me of Christmas! Still love it.



And this one reminds me of the summer to fall collection of my memories. Being able to put youtube videos into HotApocalypse is fantastic. More, more, more.

Kids Books Gone Wild...Doggy Style

"It's Just A Plant" by Ricardo Cortés.

One of my really hot and trendy friends is shopping around a very controversial children's book she worked on. It deals with a little boy who believes that he should have been born a little girl. Fresh! I thought the book didn't stand a chance in hell even though it was shockingly well written, illustrated and designed. Well, it just so happens that I was wrong and that tongues are wagging all over the Big Apple. I'll post an update once the dust settles...

It seems that others have successfully published children's books on sticky topics. Ricardo Cortés has just issued a second edition of his children's book about getting stoned.

I think it is important to teach children early on how to get stoned gracefully so they don't get uncontrollably high one night during high school and call a girl they really like and tell her that they have the key to her heart...Horrible. Thank god that didn't happen to me...

Anyways, contributing artists to the Second Edition of the book include FUTURA, Too Fly, and SMARCUS among others. God, I can't believe I actually called her and told her I have the key to her heart. That is so smooth.

Head on over to the book's website if you want to read a few pages. Click here and follow the instructions to get a free pdf version of the whole book. (Only until Valentine's Day!).

Here's a bonus video of the author on the awful O'Reilly Factor. Ewww

Apocalypse TuneUp

Put on some Justin Timberlake and peel off some clothes! Roll out the red carpet!

It's time for the unveiling of a new HotApocalypse section! In the right column of this beautifully designed blog, right below the blog archive, you will find something that looks approximately exactly like this:

This is a new section that I titled "Assigned Reading" but I might change the title because I like to keep you, my readers, on your toes. Watch out!

Assigned readings are stories you should definitely read to be in the know. There will be links here to anything that I think is apocalypse. The topics will be so broad that they will blow your minds. Actually, I want to call this section "In The Know Infusion". "Assigned Reading" was too lukewarm lame. So I will change it to that when I am finished writing this post.

I'm so fickle.

"In the Know Infusion", HotApocalypse warmly welcomes you to the family. Splooge.

An Apocalypse Named Paris Hilton

UPDATE: THE PARIS EXPOSED WEBSITE IS OFFLINE! TRY THIS FUN COLLECTION INSTEAD: ART De PARIS from Celebrity Terrorist

Pack up your bags kids, we're gonna be spending one more night in Paris. In fact we might stay a while...

Paris Hilton's online portfolio/ museum, the appropriately named Paris EXPOSED, finally launched after months of anticipation. The website features some of Paris Hilton's most daring work to date. It seems that by now everyone is familiar with her groundbreaking first effort, One Night In Paris. However, few thought that Paris would be able to replicate the unbridled honesty offered by her foray into the arena of night-vision sex. Fools.

The genius of Paris is unparalleled. Her new works feature the artist known as Paris having sex with the lights on! That's not all. The new works also show Paris smoking weed, talking smack about other rich people, taking a bubble bath, doing blow off a heavy male, interacting with a translucent floppy pink object that resembles male genitalia... The list goes on.

Apparently, Paris put all of this artwork, and many of her journals and other personal photos in a storage locker. Then she proceeded to fail to pay the storage bill, thus allowing the contents of the locker to be auctioned off to someone who understood the value of her art. This mysterious curator of modern art then silently set up the amazing Paris EXPOSED website. The entrance fee is $39.97 if you want the first look at this amazing exhibit. (Or just wait until people upload the stuff to Bitorrent)

The piece that is sure to draw the attention of the critics is the subtly beautiful "Look At Me, I'm Smoking a Tampon". Here is a screencap.


A few hundred years from now, Paris Hilton will be regarded as the creator of what I call the Social Art Movement. In an age that will come to be defined by internet video, she will prevail as one of the unique windows into the soul of a capitalist society and the realization of the American Dream. Is that hot?

Secret Blowjobs Are Great

Cock, I mean Coke Ad Mistake

Doesn't this poster from the 80s blow your mind? Hahaha, I did intend that pun in that last sentence there. I used the word "blow" because the ice cube above has a picture of a woman orating a big ol' erect penis. Hahaha, another pun, but this one doesn't make sense...I used to be ESL. Whatever.

This is a real poster from South Australia. The artist behind this prank was laughing all the way to the unemployment office.

Psych!

You thought I was going to say "all the way to the bank" but I didn't because he was fired. The posters, which were widely distributed to various outlets across Sydney before the mistake was caught, were recalled and destroyed. OMG, you would be so cool if you had an original. I have five.

This reminds me of that scene in The Lion King when the clouds spelled sex during that song and my childhood was destroyed.

LINK (to where I stole this from)

Take Your Panties Off! Show That Baby Rat!

He Poos Clouds by Final Fantasy

Owen Pallett, the genius young man behind this fantastic album, is a master of naming things.

Owen named his band 'Final Fantasy', which my friend Wikipedia says was a tribute to the video-games series that both I and Owen love. Real game geeks should note that Owen's compositions are also heavily influenced by the awesomely melodramatic series.

The one man band's second album title is hands down the best title of any album ever. He. Poos. Clouds. Wow. I'm so sold. Head on to the kid's fan myspace and listen to "Many Lives 49 MP". My favorite right now.

PS- The title of this post has nothing to do with the post itself. It's just the lyrics to the Spank Rock song about Lindsay Lohan's pussy slip. Just another example of really good usage of word usage. Baby rat.

Owen's fan myspace

Dead Animals Make Tasty Art III

Vermin Death Star by David Falconer

I really didn't mean to make this dead animals art thing a regular occurrence...but it was just so easy. So dead animal art is here to stay. Why are people (me) so fascinated with dead animal art? Well, as we all know, Jesus doesn't let animals into heaven because animals can't accept Jesus as their personal savior. That means that all dead animals rot in hell which means it's okay to do weird disrespectful shit to them. Logic is great when you ramble.

Behold the vermin death star. Basically it's a ball of dead rats. A giant ball of really dead rats with protruding jets that make the ball seem like it is growing from the inside. It is a metaphor about our world, about the American Dream, about my heart. I think. I don't really know what a metaphor is. Good times. Here's a response from the artist when he was asked whether he's proud of his work:

"I am," he said. "There aren't many giant balls of rats out there... It's not currently for sale, but it's worth about $70,000. That's only four dollars per rat!"
"I've sold about 30 smaller pieces," Falconer added. "Small clumps of rats fit nicely in a living room..." source: LINK

Here's the money shot:

Dumb Pretty People are Dirty

Dirt on FX Tuesdays at 10pm I think
(I actually just download it on bittorent- that's the cool thing to do)

UPDATE: 2/28/07; I LOST INTEREST IN THIS SHOW... I MEAN I MIGHT START WATCHING IT IF LIKE RACHEL COMES ON THE SHOW AND SHE HAS A LESBIAN MAKE OUT SESSION WITH MONICA, BUT WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT HAPPENING...

Hey! It's Monica from Friends fame! She's on a new show? Woah, she's kinda mean and sexy on this show, not like the Monica I know and dislike immensely... Umm, now she's having intercourse with a younger guy and she's not cleaning stuff. I like this shit. OMG! She just tazered that guy's ballsack. I'm tuning in same time next week. (Lie- I download) Weird, her real name is Courtney Cox, not even Monica. I never knew that about Monica.

Like my other favorite show (Entourage), Dirt deals with a topic close to my black heart- Hollywood! Courtney Cox stars as an uber bitch that runs, not one, but two power tabloids whose purpose is to make and break the careers of Hollywood stars (man, that hits so close to home). Oh Hollywood stars, how fake is your shimmer.

The show is stylistically similar to Nip/Tuck but not as ridiculous... even though a strap on reared its ugly head (pun intended) in the pilot episode. Actually, now that I think about it, the show isn't very believable at all. It presents Hollywood as an imperfect state of being. How silly is that? Very silly. Good show.

Best Day Ever

iPhone by Apple.

Holy geeky smokes!!! The rumors have apparated (Harry Potter reference). Apple ventured into the magical land of mobile phones and they found one phone to rule them all (Lord of the Rings reference). Beam me up Scotty (Star Trek reference I think) because I sure as hell want one. I bet Chewbacca will be real jealous (Star Wars).

Enough.

This isn't just a cell phone. This is a smart phone, iPod (4-8G), and full fledged internet browser rolled into one hot little cake. My pants just provided some cream for that cake. Ewww, sorry. That was sick (as in nasty). iPhone has no buttons because it functions through some magical finger touching technology (no need for a stylus- thank god) to do everything. It can sync your music, photos, videos, podcasts, contacts, bookmarks, etc with your Mac or PC.

Fun Tip- Turn it sideways to watch your homemade celebrity porn in widescreen format. I prefer Screeched featuring Screech from Saved by the Bell and two drunk naked ladies. Here's a tantalizing preview pic. Google it if you want the rest.
Ewww. Dirty Sanchez..ewww

Link- Apple iPhone

I'm Hood Rich, Bitch!

"Hood Rich" by Call It What You Want

Ahh, the smell of newborn local brands. Just take a whiff of "Call It What You Want". This sick (as in awesome) Vancouver line of hoodies and shirts (started by some pervy local scenster named Chris Wang) smells like sweeeet success. Wang's team of underpaid sweatshop workers unleashes a new design each month. The runs are very limited so if you get your hands on one of these babies, you must be a celebrity. I have four, duh. If you want one go to the myspace link and get on your knees.

You know you're doing good when a celeb wears your duds yo. Spank Rock wore a CIWYW tee with an Eazy Duz It design at a recent show in the rainy (but fun) city of Vancouver. I'm not even lying! Here's some pics.


PS- If you don't know who Spank Rock is, you must be really lame. Head on to their myspace and listen to the song "Lindsay Lohan". It's about Lindsay Lohan and her vagina and that means it's amazing.

Call It What You Want On Myspace
Spank Rock on Myspace

This Movie Changed My Life

Happy Feet by George Miller

Hello, Al Gore. I get it. You're really cool now that Lindsay Lohan talked to you at that GQ party but Al, my friend, get off your high horse. An Inconvenient Truth packs about about a quarter of a punch that this animated film about a dancing penguin does. Watch this movie Al, and take notes. This is how you deliver a message. I was literally on the edge of my seat from the first frame until the last and the only thing that would take me out of it we're the annoying 7-year-olds sitting behind me in the theater. Why the hell would anyone bring kids to this movie?

By the way parents, there was a LOT of sex in this flick, and no, it wasn't my imagination. Mumble and his girlfriend accidentally taught me the Kama Sutra. You'll get it after you see the film.

Watch this mind blowing piece of art for yourself and tell me- is this just a kids' movie or a religion? If you thought Jesus was charismatic, wait until you meet Mumble. The discrimination faced by this messiah of the new truth was more than my tear ducts could handle. (def: new truth: organized religion is silly at best/ different is good/ think critically). Luckily I had a hoodie that I could cover my head with and, like a real man, I cried silently. Safe!

When the credits rolled, I was faced by a conundrum. Do I A) go home and spread the messge B) not spread the message because people will think I'm uncool or C) sacrifice myself to the movie right there and then, infront of the children. I knew I was too handsome for C) the second I thought of it. I also knew that this movie came out a while ago, and it's true that I saw it kind of as a joke... But now I am a convert. Are you?

(whisper) spread the message (whisper)

Film Site Link
be cool add happyfeet to your myspace

Random picture of a happy foot